I don't remember waking up. I just remember turning over in my bed after awhile and realizing, "Oh! I am awake." I stayed there a little longer, and finally leaned out of bed and reached on the floor for my phone. I start with the wall, reaching for the plug, then follow the cord to the phone. 3:37 a.m. Ugh. Then I remember that daylight savings time ended, and the phone had probably moved the time back already. So really it was like 4:37 a.m. Not too bad. I fell asleep before ten p.m. I check my facebook chat list (that I always have turned off, because I am shy), to see if anyone else had been up. It makes me feel less lonely. Then I dropped the phone, turned on my side and hoped for more sleep. It didn't come. Finally, I made my way downstairs for some cappuccino (I love that lack of guilt over calories when pregnant). The stove said 6:04, which I assumed meant it was now 5:04.
I had my cappuccino. I went over my usual few spots on the internet. And now I sit here, desiring sleep, worried.
Tierney said Jake is thinking about joining the air force. How exciting for them. How dreadful for me. I won't say a word if I can help it. It's not about me after all. But the tears will fill my eyes and my throat will catch, and the world will keep spinning. Tired. I should invite someone over. I should plan a meal, a brunch, a game night. But my body says, "No." So I curl up on the couch and watch the minutes tick by, and I remind myself that I will not be so tired forever. This baby will leave my body, and I will be my own again--well, eventually, nursing does take it toll. And the days tick by, some grey, some sunshine. And I don't know what to do. I don't know who to be. And I am tired.
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