I guess it's not entirely abnormal to devour a big, green salad with no "good stuff" after hearing your mom has to have heart surgery. Especially when your not so older brother had a heart attack and subsequent surgery less than a year ago. I know intellectually that bypass surgery isn't the horror it once was. A 16% death rate after four years isn't too bad. But still..it's scary. It's one of those things that make you stop and really think about things. I can't help but regret getting annoyed by certain things. Some things sure. But sometimes people are really trying to make you feel good, and they are just missing the mark, through no real fault of their own. I regret letting that small stuff get to me.
Last March my brother had a heart attack right before I was due to go on vacation. I couldn't help but feel guilty, but there wasn't anything I could do, and the vacation was planned and paid for. But getting updates in the evening after a day o' fun was odd. I felt guilty about being able to go have fun at an amusement park, shutting off the worry for the day. And then I felt like a fake crying after getting an update. My kids are not used to me crying over more than sad movies and touching commercials, and it really made them feel awkward.
So today I did what I always do when I have to go to the hospital. I cry in the car, not sobs, just streams, let myself imagine the worst, and then tell myself I am being ridiculous, no use borrowing trouble, and certainly no use indulging in emotional dramas for my own entertainment, and go inside. I wonder though, if it's entertainment or a way the mind prepares to deal with grief.
But, now, Karl offered to go get me chocolate. I guess to be nice, but I am trying not to eat after dinner, but...I can't say no to chocolate.
Last March my brother had a heart attack right before I was due to go on vacation. I couldn't help but feel guilty, but there wasn't anything I could do, and the vacation was planned and paid for. But getting updates in the evening after a day o' fun was odd. I felt guilty about being able to go have fun at an amusement park, shutting off the worry for the day. And then I felt like a fake crying after getting an update. My kids are not used to me crying over more than sad movies and touching commercials, and it really made them feel awkward.
So today I did what I always do when I have to go to the hospital. I cry in the car, not sobs, just streams, let myself imagine the worst, and then tell myself I am being ridiculous, no use borrowing trouble, and certainly no use indulging in emotional dramas for my own entertainment, and go inside. I wonder though, if it's entertainment or a way the mind prepares to deal with grief.
But, now, Karl offered to go get me chocolate. I guess to be nice, but I am trying not to eat after dinner, but...I can't say no to chocolate.
Jill you are a strong person and I have cried at the the thought of not having my dad around. I had gone off course for about ten years and while I have made light of it, it was ten years of worry I caused my parents and a lesser extent my brother and friends. I corrected my course after meeting you, loving you, and respecting you. But lately I realize how my pain I have caused by being eccentric to say the least in the past.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I know Jill, you have never been the cause of pain...I have...for this I have cried, you cry in the sympathy of others, nothing but tears of love.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Karl..but it's also selfishness. Like what will I do if that person isn't around?
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